crazy ramblings

I think most bloggers hope that there are others out there reading their every thought and well..tonight I feel like I hope no one is out there reading my thoughts. I have had a rough couple of weeks. The husband has really been on his kick about being concerned with my weight and health again and well this time it has flowed over into what my face looks like. He thinks that I look too old, much older than I actually am. What ever, I know I don't, I know he is probably just thinking this about himself and it is being reflected onto me, but it still hurts a bit. He really got me the other week when he realized that what he thought of me didn't really bother me anymore and so he decided to get my oldest daughter into it. He said that he new obssion with her weight is because she looks at me and feels disgusted and doesn't want to look like that. Now I know I know I should know better than to let him into my head but man does he know my buttons. Anyway so all of this bullshit has been happening and I am trying to just let it roll off from me but sometimes it is hard.

I felt like drinking tonight. I got myself a beer, spilled half of it and drank half and thought about how completely useless it would be to drink too much, not to mention I don't like the feeling of not being in complete control of myself. I mean I have four children to look after, what if something happened where I needed to respond quickly to. But I just had this strong urge to let my hairdown and to sing at the top of my lungs and to forget for just breifly about all the stuff that I usually bog myself down with. I mean i know my life isn't the worst and i feel bad complaining when there are others so much worse than me...

Tonight i was thinking about making love and how I would LOVE to make love, but I have no one that I am desiring. I have no desire to make love with someone else besides my husband but the way things have been with us, I have no desire to make love to him either. It sounds so completely bazar but i had this feeling about it just being energitic and making love with an energy, a feeling like this warm wave washing over me...like engolfing me.