My posting is not having a miscarriage

I wrote that my posting was spotting instead of spotty, oh well...You knew what I meant!

Love and energies

Hello to the few of those who have put up with my spotting posting. I mainly posted this blog to use it as a way to get out my feelings and potentially even receive some good insight from readers.

Things have been pretty good here. My husband has been using some natural methods of reducing stress and has acknowledged that there are issues that he is working through. We are now able to openly talk about it. Being able to be open about it is such a good thing. Then even when things are not perfect, you can respect the fact that the individual is trying as well. I have read some really good material for myself, one being a book by Dr. Wayne Dyer (LOVE HIM) about aligning your habits with your desires and one I am on right now which is the classic updated, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. I am listening to that one being read on CD. That way I can do that when I am in the car and save my reading time for reading my birth books and child education books. One things I really like that Steven Covey says in his book is that "love the feeling is a product of love the verb". I think it is a great way to put it as I have felt like this for many many years but have not known how to put it like this. Dr. Dyer talks a lot of energies and when you are giving off energies that expect the worst in someone, that is what you are going to get. I have been expecting my husband to be understanding and I have been loving him in the verb sense and therefore feeling more love for him and receiving more love from him as he is feeling my caring instead of judging. I feel so good about the situation and about the lessons I am teaching my children. It is so nice to see the children genuinely happier now and feeling more like a family. We are not a perfect family, but we are a family that is working together and addressing the issues that need to be addressed.

Sometimes when my husband is starting to get uneasy and needing to destress, I feel myself going back to old patterns of fear and letting fear and anger dominate my behavior. I am at least conscious of this though and have been able to get back on focus. I wrote this little vow the other day when I felt myself going there and I hung it on the refrigerator for all to see and to be a constant reminder to myself.


I vow today to make my decisions based on what I feel is the right thing to do, taking into consideration others thoughts and feelings.
I vow today to stop making decisions based on fear. Whether that be fear of failure, embarrassment or the fear of an others angry response.
I vow to be true to myself and my own values!

This has been a time of change for me and a time for devoting a lot of time that needed to be devoted to time for myself. I feel I have neglected some of my friends though and I want to get back into the mode that makes me feel good about myself. That is the mode of being there for people who need me to be there for them. I hope those who have been pushed to the side for awhile realize that I had to take time to heal myself and family before I have anything to give. I feel so blessed to have a loving network of friends and family.

Ultra Marathon Man

Wow I can't believe how fast this summer is whizzing right by. Everyday is playing with my kids and hanging out. I love hanging out with my kids. Unfortunately everything else seems to get pushed to the side as I am enjoying being with them, this blog being one of them. Many times I have things in my head that I want to write and then by the time the kids are not around and I have a little privacy, I am too tired. But I have been meaning to write on this Ultra Marathon Man topic and so I am going to give it a go.

Who knew that this was going to end up a good thing. When my husband stumbled upon this information about a man who is a running FREAK, I was so worried. At first he couldn't get enough of researching what this man does. He claims that he eats while he runs, orders pizza , pays for it as the delivery car is slowly following him and rolls it up like a burrito and then eats his pizza log as he runs. So my husband has dropped the, "I starve myself to death" thing that he was doing before. You know the research that severe caloric reduction is supposed to make you live longer, and now he has jumped on board with Mr. Marathon Man. So he is not ordering pizza on the go, but he is eating powerbars now once a day and eating a huge breakfast and a huge dinner. His running has intensified as well. He has tripled the amount of running he is doing.

The good news is that all of this running and now having adequate nutrition to support the running has really given him like a natural stress relieve. At first I thought he was doing his normal anger suppression and I was waiting for the vol canoe to erupt, but then I kept watching. I know him so well. I can look at his face and tell you if he is suppressing anger or if something just really isn't getting to him. But the great thing is that I am watching him and I am watching all the "triggers" go off and I am seeing him just handling it. This running plus added food had given him the same effect as like taking and antidepressant. I had read about all these natural things you can do, I tried telling him. I tried putting more omegas in his diet and all of this crap, but it wasn't until he saw that marathon man that he felt inspired to push himself.

This has allowed some better communication as well. I mean you can't really talk to a person who looks like they are about ready to fly off the handle at whatever you are going to say. I have made some changes in myself as well. I have been reading a few really good books and one of them is by Dr. Wayne Dyer and one thing he talks about is "being the peace that you desire". He talks about how if you are living in fear and expecting stress, you are going to get stress, but if you never let someone take away your inner peace that it will also come back to you. I had this AMAZING dream about a panther like creature chasing me and in my dream, even though I was really terrified of the beast, I turned around and grabbed it by the jowls and roared in it's face and screamed, "I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU. DO YOU HEAR ME? I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU!" The whole time I was actually terrified but I wouldn't let it rule me with fear anymore. The really strange thing is that when I held onto the jowls of this beast it felt just like my dog Louis's mouth area. I later realized that the panther like beast was a combination of my husband (black hair) and my dog Louis. The dog and my husbands interactions were the things that were causing me a great amount of fear and stress. I told my husband about this dream and he totally got it.

I am not disillusional, I know that things will still be up and down. I do however have some hope for the future. It has been so nice to enjoy my husband without the cloud of illness. I have enjoyed actually being around him. We had a great day on Sunday taking our middle child out by herself to the store with us while the others stayed home with a sitter. I can't explain to you how lovely the simple things can be. Just being around him when he is acting like his true self. The person who I fell in love with and the person I am still in love with. I laid beside him cuddled in bed and just enjoyed being next to him and the smell of him. I so totally love my husband, but I so HATE his illness. I am hoping that this exercise/eating regiment will be maintained and that the effects will continue.

Options

I am reading a number of good books right now and I am trying to get my head straight basically. It totally doesn't feel straight, but I am trying. Friends have asked me if things have gotten any better. Welll, they have gotten less extreme and sometimes feel better. But things definately still need fixed. Another doctors appointment has been made, for this Thursday...we will see if he actually attends it. I can't really tell which way it is going to go. I am trying to be positive but realistic. I feel a little nuts to be quite honest today. I have been having strange dreams that seem to be trying to tell me something, but I can't put my finger on it. I had a dream last night about the #21 and then later in the night I heard a voice say, 521, I laid there have awake half asleep and then I heard it a couple more times and so I sat up, looked at the clock and it said, 5:23. Had I looked the first time, there is no doubt in my mind that it would have said 5:21. I have no idea what this means however and I can't put my finger on it. It has left me feeling a bit foggy all day today.

I had a great outing with a friend of mine with whom I have been honest about my current situation with. It was really nice to see her again. I always feel so exposed though after letting someone know the reality of the situation. It is nice to have support but others never totally get what you are going through and can be so full of judgments that it just leaves you feeling naked.

I have been evaluating all of my options though. I have looked into jobs and the possbility of leaving to make a new life and I have also looked into the fact that maybe I haven't done all that can be done in the current situation. I don't live in a fantasy that leaving is going to solve all of my problems. Leaving would relieve some problems and bring some of it's own. I have seen how this has worked for others. Children living in separate homes with parents and having to deal with parents new relationships can be just has hard as children dealing with a poor relationship with mom and dad. I am trying to weigh my options and make the most informed decision. I want to make sure that all possible things have been done to fix the current situation (anything that I can do) before just moving onto the next set of problems.

This is what I am currently dealing with. I am doing fairly well with it though. Nothing is extreme in the home...something are blah and somethings are kinda good. I am trying to be positive and to dolve deeper into spirituality to find the real me and determine my real purpose. One thing I KNOW is that SOMETHING has got to change. I have to stop being so lazy in my mind; stop trying to avoid the issues and face them head on and deal with them. That is what I am trying my best to do. My natural desire is to just ignore things...but I am doing my best to try to not do that and to expose everything to myself and to evaluate and act.

Life as Usual I guess

Things have been kind of calm the last few days. Well on the surface at least. My 14 year old niece made a pleasant unexpected drip here from China. I love her so much! My oldest daughter gets along with her so well and they act more like sisters than cousins. All of my kids love her actually and things just seem happier when she is here. It is my husbands brothers child and so she understands things in the house hold very well.

My husband did not go to his doctors appointment. I was disappointed but not too shocked considering that he told me he wanted the appointment on a Thursday or a Saturday, but the doctor we currently have only does Mondays, so I guess I have to call the insurance company and find a new doctor because that is just not enough options. He is trying his best to control his mood swings and yelling right now. Which to me says that there will be an explosion in the near future if I don't get this doc thing straightened out. His suppression only seems to last for so long. I called him on the fact that he said he would NEVER yell again and he swore that he had the self control to do it and he said that I wasn't strong enough to never drink a coke again. Whatever...that might be true as well but at least I can admit that. He lasted one day before yelling again. But I called him on it a couple of days ago and so now he is trying to hold it together.

Right now I am enjoying the good things in life. I am spending lazy summer days with the girls and the dogs. We had quite the adventure the other day. We had the little dog Homer running away in the shopping area and running into the high security EPA and my daughter and I chasing him right past the guards. They were having a fire drill at the time and so all employees were out there. They helped catch Homer and then they wanted to take pictures of my daughter and the Homer for their newsletter. What a trip! Then walking back to the park with our breakfast we had just bought, the kids started whining that they wanted to just stop under this big tree and eat and so I gave in. Then this big nasty crazy man started yelling at us that this was private property and that we had to leave, I mean like in a "I just escaped from the mental ward" kind of way. I guess we were by an apartment complex. So I apologized and started packing up the kids, but crazy man couldn't leave well enough alone and obviously he didn't realize that I had some pent up anger that I would love to realize as well and so I unleashed. My three year old who strangely enough always points with her middle finger started pointing at him and yelling, "Your a bad bad man, shut up bad man!" The crazy man started coming closer and I felt a wee bit scared but I did have the big dog with me too and so I felt safe enough. I told him that I was trying to leave but I had to pack up and that he needed to get a life and leave a pregnant lady with four kids alone! He didn't know what to say and so he just flipped me off which sent me into another verbal onslaught. The really funny thing is that I wasn't really angry, I was irritated but I found the whole thing funny and such a release. I know that sounds horrible but I did. The kids and I laughed our heads off walking back to the park talking about the crazy man. Then we stopped at the park and caught frogs and I got to talk to this pregnant lady who had a breech baby who is scheduled for a C-section and I talked her into trying some natural methods first. It was an intense but good morning.

Major Correction- ha ha

Well I have not yet figured out how to go back and edit my posts after I have posted them. But let me say that my husband is NOT going to "do" the doctor, but rather he is going to "go" to the doctors. HA HA Maybe doing the doctor might do him some good too.

Dr. Appointment is Made

I am so happy that husband has agreed to do to the doctor. He has acknowledged that he is going for his yearly, but we both know why he is really going. I have set it up to have the doctor call me so that I can discuss things with her confidentially before the appointment. Please everyone send prayers and good energy our way that things can get properly diagnosed! The appointment is on Monday!

Strange Dreams

I had strange dreams last night. I can't remember them completely but I remember the feel of the dreams. The dreams felt very spiritual. There was a male in the dream that I kept reaching out to, just to be held. I can't say the male wasn't my husband, but it wasn't definitely my husband either. It was more like a symbol of male energy and the desire to be held. My mother in law was in the dream too and I know that sounds strange. Again, I can't say the exact actions of the dream with her. It was more the feeling of her. She was so sweet in my dream. She laughed with me, she comforted me, she let me know that she knew what I was feeling. In real life, I had a complicated relationship with my mother in law. I did love her, but I had a lot of anger towards her and our cultural differences. I know she loved me too, but she was a closed kind of woman who you would never really be able to fully understand. She had a horrible marriage to my husbands father who cheated on her and abused her, yet she stayed. My husband always says how he always wished his mother would have left their father. Yet her dying wish to my husband was to, "take care of your dad". My husband will NOT take care of his dad as he has a very strong hate towards him and views his mothers death as his dads fault. My mother in law speaks to me often, as I am sensitive to spirits. I feel her understanding what I am going through. The dream last night had a sense of comfort, but also of action and urgency. I got my husband to agree last night to let me set up a doctors appointment for him. Although he did add at the end that he thinks it is more important that I should set up a dentist appointment first because he thinks his teeth is a bigger problem. HA HA I didn't agree with this and told him the dentist would come next, but it was a good try on his part. So today that is my goal, to set up the appointment and to get him to actually attend it.

Pretending Mode

I woke up this morning with yet another dull ache in my head and a strong ache in my heart. I knew I had to get up and make him breakfast, I knew it was now time to at least pretend that I wasn't mad any more. I knew that if I didn't it would just make things worse. I had the thought pattern that I would just pretend to feel like I did a week ago before the whole onslaught of fighting started. At that time I was feeling so totally in love with my husband and he responded by being extra loving back. That was until I did imperfect things that sent him into his rage. He doesn't even like himself when he is like this. He knows he is being a complete jackass but he can't seem to control it. So anyway this morning I just stated thinking that I just wanted to pretend. I wanted to pretend that I was back to feeling like everything was good and that he was a wonderful husband and all of that. Maybe if I pretended than I could get the benefits of him being nicer without having to put set myself up for being hurt when the illusion vanishes with another rage. If I am only pretending, then it would really hurt so bad when the reality of the situation comes into light. But if I actually let myself feel again....well that just hurts too bad. I was thinking all of this and then I read my horoscope:
Monday, Jun 16th, 2008 -- It's an exciting day for you, but it may be hard to keep up with your own changing moods now that the Moon is back in your sign. Although the history lesson is over, you are still more interested in looking back than ahead. Be ready to let go of what you have acquired in your life so far. Then, create a personal ritual to help you declare a conscious boundary between the tension of the past and the magic of the present moment.

Hmmm...that sounds like a really good message and I need to think about what to do with it.

The Maybe if I'm More Perfect Thinking

I know I do a lot of annoying things. I know I have a lot of bad habits. I couldn't help thinking today, looking at my messy house and reviewing my unorganized life, that maybe if I got things more in order maybe I could ward off my husbands attacks or at least lessen them. I know it would lessen them but then I guess feel like that wouldn't feel much like a life to me always struggling to do what someone else finds important. But then again, maybe he is the catalyst that I need to improve myself. I don't particularly like these things about myself either.

I laid in bed this morning feeling lazy and dreamy and I knew I shouldn't have. I had a feeling that the dogs were going to do something bad and that I should get up but usually husband takes them for a walk in the morning. However, I knew I should have gotten up. So instead of getting up to take the dogs out even though I wanted to stay in bed...instead I had to deal with the fact that the little dog got upstairs where he doesn't belong and the big dog was mad and went to the bathroom on the floor. This sent my husband a furry that sent him BEATING the dog and made me protect him which made him mad, saying that I cared more for the dog than for him. This sent him into an all day long depression which really sucks since it is Fathers day. I am so mad at myself for not getting up when I should have. I can't control his irrational behavior but I could have stopped the animals from acting up and thus prevented this attack.

Bring Back that Lovin Feeling

Anyone who has been in or still is in an abusive relationship can understand this feeling. Things were good, so good that I actually started to fall in love with him again. I was happy to see him come home. The horrible hurtful things he said in the past were fading due to the great and abundant love he was showing me. I adored his touch and started bragging about what a good husband he was again. Making love to him was actually making love to him and not imagining that I was in a different circumstance in order to make it pleasurable. When he came home, I felt genuinely happy to see him and so did the kids because his arrival made me happy. He started asking to go on walks with and I enjoyed putting the kids to bed early just so I could spend time talking to him. My internal dialogue was different. It wasn't, "shut the fuck up you stupid asshole!" It was more, "oh sure I see what you are saying!" It was just so nice to feel in love with him again.

Then it happened, another explosion, another burst of anger and hurtful words. Words like, "I'm embarrassed to be seen with you because you are so obese", and "I made the wrong decision and I married the wrong woman!" I am crushed and hurt and worse yet every time it happens it makes getting back to the good feelings harder every time. When I am feeling like he is a complete asshole his words don't pack so much punch. I just look at him and think things to myself and ignore it. But when I have aloud myself to feel soft again to feel close to him and loved by him, than those words are far more painful than any of my child births, more painful than anything physical I have ever went through. And I have went through a lot. I have been hit by a car, I have had neurosurgery, I have given birth three times naturally. None of these can compare to the hurt and agony I feel when he says these things to me.

Then the talk with him came last night. The I'm sorry I will never yell again as long as you promise to never do the horrible sinful thing you did (drank a coke while pregnant). But of course there was the blaming thing. It is my fault that he looses him temper like that because I am so infuriating, and no one else has ever made him loose his temper like that before, such a classic abuser line. I promised to NEVER drink a coke ever again as long as HE lives. Although I did add that I was going to drink one on the day of his funeral and throw the empty can in the coffin. This made my daughter giggle! He wants to play nice like the fight never happened, kind of. He wants to go through the motions at least. He wants me to want to go for a walk with him to want to come and talk to him at night. But I DON"T WANT TO. I want to stay away from him and the potential of hurtful words.

Every time these fights happen it makes it harder and harder to bring back that loving feeling. I want it, but I'm afraid of it. I don't trust him, it hurts to much to trust him. Yet I know I will. I will do it to keep the family together because deep down I so desperately desire to have those wonderful times when I feel like a loving happy family.

I feel so tired

I'm tired today. More emotionally tired than physically tired, although I am pregnant with baby #4. I am living with a crazy man. My husband is professionally undiagnosed, but anyone who knows him knows that he's not quite right. He's a good person don't get me wrong and people generally like him. He loves his children desperately, his wife conditionally.

I think he has OCD, I know his mom was diagnosed but she was obsessed with cleanliness. He is not obsessed with cleanliness but with health issues. He is a researcher who studies metabolic diseases. First it was hypertension and now it is diabetes. Well enough, but he is obsessed with it. People are afraid to eat things in front of him because of what he is going to start saying to them. He can't go out in public without pointing out health issues, whether they be a good jogger to an overweight young person who is personified as evil.

Even this would be hard enough to deal with, but I have it all directed towards me and my health issues continually from when I wake in the morning until I go to bed at night. Sometimes are better than others. However he came home and caught me drinking a coke the other day and wanted to divorce me for it. This rant has went on for days and I feel so emotionally tired!

I am supposed to go to a party with him on Saturday, a party with all his healthy researcher friends. He has told me that he is too embarrassed to take me to the party because I am so fat. I am not really that fat, but I don't fit the "I starve myself at least once a day" and run marathons image that he would like me to. I have offered to not go but then he told me that he really 'needed' me to go with him.

I feel tired!