I wanna see you be Brave

Brave...the song my soul is singing to myself

I was listening to the song Brave by Sarah Bareilles and I felt like my soul was singing this to myself.  I wish I could be braver.  I am trying to be brave and to speak up for myself more.  I did hold my ground and I went to a weekend training to be certified in my doula work, but even then I wasn't completely honest.  I paid money for it but I didn't admit it.  I just want to be able to speak my truths and to have them be heard in a way that wasn't judgmental or scary.

I always seem to write when I am in this blurry kind of mood.  I write then because it brings me back into the present moment.  When I am in this mood, after a verbal attack, I feel like I stare ahead into space and even when people are talking to me, I just can't think and I can't function well.  My husband took note of it this last time and he kept asking me if I was sick or what was wrong.  I was actually honest with him about the fact that his yelling negatively affected me in such a way that I could not function properly.

I am feeling better today than I did yesterday.

Not last night but the night before, I was crawled into bed with him.  I have been cleaning and reorganizing a lot and I actually moved all of my things into his room.  We normally do not share a room.  So I crawled in bed and I thought he was already asleep but then he started yelling at me.  Lecturing me on how fat I have gotten and how that is not acceptable and how I don't do anything for the family and I need to stop being a stay at home mom and go get a job to contribute and how my oldest daughter who is almost 16 now is going to hate me in her 20's when she starts to see things from his perspective and realize that I just didn't care enough about her to stop trying to be a midwife and to just work a job like a cashier or something to make money for her college.  It went on and on with me hardly saying anything, then it started storming really hard. I jumped up and grabbed the flashlight and I was going to go outside and make sure the rain gutter was ok because it had came apart a while back and then we had flooding in the basement.  He insisted I not go out in the rain and then all of a sudden he was a different person.  He was all lovey dovey and "I love you, you are my wife and I love you" bullshit!  Then he wanted to cuddle and be ultra sweet to me and have sex.  I told him no no no so many times but he kept begging.  Then the next morning he acted as if he had never said that he wanted a divorce and all the horrible things and he turned into ultra sweet guy who wants to buy me whatever I want...and talking all about all the wonderful times about the kids as they are growing up and just acting like he is mister wonderful or something.
It is so confusing.  I hate it!