Thursday, June 12, 2014
Sunday, July 21, 2013
I wanna see you be Brave
Brave...the song my soul is singing to myself
I was listening to the song Brave by Sarah Bareilles and I felt like my soul was singing this to myself. I wish I could be braver. I am trying to be brave and to speak up for myself more. I did hold my ground and I went to a weekend training to be certified in my doula work, but even then I wasn't completely honest. I paid money for it but I didn't admit it. I just want to be able to speak my truths and to have them be heard in a way that wasn't judgmental or scary.
I always seem to write when I am in this blurry kind of mood. I write then because it brings me back into the present moment. When I am in this mood, after a verbal attack, I feel like I stare ahead into space and even when people are talking to me, I just can't think and I can't function well. My husband took note of it this last time and he kept asking me if I was sick or what was wrong. I was actually honest with him about the fact that his yelling negatively affected me in such a way that I could not function properly.
I am feeling better today than I did yesterday.
Not last night but the night before, I was crawled into bed with him. I have been cleaning and reorganizing a lot and I actually moved all of my things into his room. We normally do not share a room. So I crawled in bed and I thought he was already asleep but then he started yelling at me. Lecturing me on how fat I have gotten and how that is not acceptable and how I don't do anything for the family and I need to stop being a stay at home mom and go get a job to contribute and how my oldest daughter who is almost 16 now is going to hate me in her 20's when she starts to see things from his perspective and realize that I just didn't care enough about her to stop trying to be a midwife and to just work a job like a cashier or something to make money for her college. It went on and on with me hardly saying anything, then it started storming really hard. I jumped up and grabbed the flashlight and I was going to go outside and make sure the rain gutter was ok because it had came apart a while back and then we had flooding in the basement. He insisted I not go out in the rain and then all of a sudden he was a different person. He was all lovey dovey and "I love you, you are my wife and I love you" bullshit! Then he wanted to cuddle and be ultra sweet to me and have sex. I told him no no no so many times but he kept begging. Then the next morning he acted as if he had never said that he wanted a divorce and all the horrible things and he turned into ultra sweet guy who wants to buy me whatever I want...and talking all about all the wonderful times about the kids as they are growing up and just acting like he is mister wonderful or something.
It is so confusing. I hate it!
I was listening to the song Brave by Sarah Bareilles and I felt like my soul was singing this to myself. I wish I could be braver. I am trying to be brave and to speak up for myself more. I did hold my ground and I went to a weekend training to be certified in my doula work, but even then I wasn't completely honest. I paid money for it but I didn't admit it. I just want to be able to speak my truths and to have them be heard in a way that wasn't judgmental or scary.
I always seem to write when I am in this blurry kind of mood. I write then because it brings me back into the present moment. When I am in this mood, after a verbal attack, I feel like I stare ahead into space and even when people are talking to me, I just can't think and I can't function well. My husband took note of it this last time and he kept asking me if I was sick or what was wrong. I was actually honest with him about the fact that his yelling negatively affected me in such a way that I could not function properly.
I am feeling better today than I did yesterday.
Not last night but the night before, I was crawled into bed with him. I have been cleaning and reorganizing a lot and I actually moved all of my things into his room. We normally do not share a room. So I crawled in bed and I thought he was already asleep but then he started yelling at me. Lecturing me on how fat I have gotten and how that is not acceptable and how I don't do anything for the family and I need to stop being a stay at home mom and go get a job to contribute and how my oldest daughter who is almost 16 now is going to hate me in her 20's when she starts to see things from his perspective and realize that I just didn't care enough about her to stop trying to be a midwife and to just work a job like a cashier or something to make money for her college. It went on and on with me hardly saying anything, then it started storming really hard. I jumped up and grabbed the flashlight and I was going to go outside and make sure the rain gutter was ok because it had came apart a while back and then we had flooding in the basement. He insisted I not go out in the rain and then all of a sudden he was a different person. He was all lovey dovey and "I love you, you are my wife and I love you" bullshit! Then he wanted to cuddle and be ultra sweet to me and have sex. I told him no no no so many times but he kept begging. Then the next morning he acted as if he had never said that he wanted a divorce and all the horrible things and he turned into ultra sweet guy who wants to buy me whatever I want...and talking all about all the wonderful times about the kids as they are growing up and just acting like he is mister wonderful or something.
It is so confusing. I hate it!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Posting to avoid homework
Well I am supposed to be doing my homework, but since I am trying to avoid it, I thought I would do a quick post. Well, the homework thing gives it away, if any of you didn't already know, I am back in school. Yeah I am really super happy about this. I am finally going towards being a midwife. I really wish I was able to be a traditional midwife and still make a living but it just isn't very practical when I have four kids to help take care of.
Well anyway, things were at there ultimate bad with the marriage thing, but then I broke down, insisted that I wanted to go back to school and he knew he didn't have a choice, so here I am. Funny thing is, he is doing much better mentally. I worried about it a lot because I didn't want to leave the kids home alone with him if he was acting mean or nuts, but he is doing good. It seems that he finds more purpose in the home now. He takes care of the little ones during the week late in the evenings when I have to help with the Thurston Players or when one of the girls has rehearsal and then on Sundays he takes care of them all day while I am in Chemistry class. He took them grocery shopping last week and he seemed to derive so much pleasure from feeling successful in this endeavor. He now knows how to read Cella books to get her to sleep and knows how to get Nini and Malane to bed on time without a huge deal. This seems little, but getting those two to bed without a huge melt down is NOT easy! Anyway, things are going well right now. He is taking care of his physical and mental health and although things will never be perfect, they are looking up.
I am however very grounded in the knowledge that this could all come to a crashing holt at any given moment, I am praying for stability everyday though.
Well anyway, things were at there ultimate bad with the marriage thing, but then I broke down, insisted that I wanted to go back to school and he knew he didn't have a choice, so here I am. Funny thing is, he is doing much better mentally. I worried about it a lot because I didn't want to leave the kids home alone with him if he was acting mean or nuts, but he is doing good. It seems that he finds more purpose in the home now. He takes care of the little ones during the week late in the evenings when I have to help with the Thurston Players or when one of the girls has rehearsal and then on Sundays he takes care of them all day while I am in Chemistry class. He took them grocery shopping last week and he seemed to derive so much pleasure from feeling successful in this endeavor. He now knows how to read Cella books to get her to sleep and knows how to get Nini and Malane to bed on time without a huge deal. This seems little, but getting those two to bed without a huge melt down is NOT easy! Anyway, things are going well right now. He is taking care of his physical and mental health and although things will never be perfect, they are looking up.
I am however very grounded in the knowledge that this could all come to a crashing holt at any given moment, I am praying for stability everyday though.
Friday, May 21, 2010
crazy ramblings
I think most bloggers hope that there are others out there reading their every thought and well..tonight I feel like I hope no one is out there reading my thoughts. I have had a rough couple of weeks. The husband has really been on his kick about being concerned with my weight and health again and well this time it has flowed over into what my face looks like. He thinks that I look too old, much older than I actually am. What ever, I know I don't, I know he is probably just thinking this about himself and it is being reflected onto me, but it still hurts a bit. He really got me the other week when he realized that what he thought of me didn't really bother me anymore and so he decided to get my oldest daughter into it. He said that he new obssion with her weight is because she looks at me and feels disgusted and doesn't want to look like that. Now I know I know I should know better than to let him into my head but man does he know my buttons. Anyway so all of this bullshit has been happening and I am trying to just let it roll off from me but sometimes it is hard.
I felt like drinking tonight. I got myself a beer, spilled half of it and drank half and thought about how completely useless it would be to drink too much, not to mention I don't like the feeling of not being in complete control of myself. I mean I have four children to look after, what if something happened where I needed to respond quickly to. But I just had this strong urge to let my hairdown and to sing at the top of my lungs and to forget for just breifly about all the stuff that I usually bog myself down with. I mean i know my life isn't the worst and i feel bad complaining when there are others so much worse than me...
Tonight i was thinking about making love and how I would LOVE to make love, but I have no one that I am desiring. I have no desire to make love with someone else besides my husband but the way things have been with us, I have no desire to make love to him either. It sounds so completely bazar but i had this feeling about it just being energitic and making love with an energy, a feeling like this warm wave washing over me...like engolfing me.
I felt like drinking tonight. I got myself a beer, spilled half of it and drank half and thought about how completely useless it would be to drink too much, not to mention I don't like the feeling of not being in complete control of myself. I mean I have four children to look after, what if something happened where I needed to respond quickly to. But I just had this strong urge to let my hairdown and to sing at the top of my lungs and to forget for just breifly about all the stuff that I usually bog myself down with. I mean i know my life isn't the worst and i feel bad complaining when there are others so much worse than me...
Tonight i was thinking about making love and how I would LOVE to make love, but I have no one that I am desiring. I have no desire to make love with someone else besides my husband but the way things have been with us, I have no desire to make love to him either. It sounds so completely bazar but i had this feeling about it just being energitic and making love with an energy, a feeling like this warm wave washing over me...like engolfing me.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
March- a birth day and lots of doctors appointments
I just need to make a quick note that my husband has attended his first doctors appointment. He has been having a lot of pains in his eyes and so this is what stimulated it. He is on his way home right now because he isn't feeling well enough to be at work. Next week he has an MRI of his brain and total work up where he is going to talk to the doctor about all of his medical issues including his mood swings. I am so happy to think that he is finally going to get some help. I just thought I would let everyone know about the wonderful update.
Julia
Julia
Thursday, February 26, 2009
This winter is getting to him
We have had such a wonderful time together enjoying my husband in his natural state of mine. The exercise is indeed like a drug. I have read up on bipolar disorders which I believe my husband has and I have read that exercise and diet can be just as effective as medication without the side effects in mild cases. This seems to be the case with my husband. However the last month and a half has been really hard on him and us. The weather has not been optimal for exercising. We had some days where school was cancelled just because it was too cold to go outside. At first it didn't seem to effect him much. But slowly slowly the old symptoms started creeping in. It is obvious to me that he is pretending to be OK more than being OK. I can totally tell when he is suppressing things instead of things really not getting to him. It makes me feel on edge. I expressed this to him the other day and he acknowledged it.
What we have been dealing with the last week or so had been a manic episode. He is really coming down well now and I was a bit nervous about the come down but it wasn't bad this time. I really pushed him to go exercise and I was really strict about making sure he had proper rest and food. During this episode though, he was totally flying high happy. We actually took off on a short road trip during a snow storm. OK this is somethign I would normally do, but NOT my husband. We went to Costco and he bought new hardwood flooring for the house, something he has been thinking of doing for three years now. The whole time in the store it was me saying, "no we don't need that" Ohhh it was exhausting. I said yes to the hardwood floor because I thought that was sensable and I wanted it. When we got home, my oldest daughter who has been wanting a chihuahua got on the internet and said, "daddy look at this one, isn't he cute?" "GET IT!" is what my husband gleefully told her. I was there in the background shaking my head at her. NO NO NO NO I am mouthing to her. I am thinking, don't you dare hit the buy button on that thing! I talked to her later and told her that she could not get this dog right now. She knew she shouldn't but she found it amuzing.
I think sometimes you just have to laugh. My oldest and I did plenty of giggling to each other as therapy for ourselves, but we both knew that underneath that giggle was a fear. A fear that this could soon take a turn for the deppression phase. So far it seems that he is coming down nicely. He has gotten out a couple of times and exercised briefly. I am holding myt breath for the good weather when he can once again be out there jogging regually and feeling back to his old self. I know he can't wait either. I mean I always write how this effects me, but I know he hates it too. It is no piece of cake for him to go through this either.
What we have been dealing with the last week or so had been a manic episode. He is really coming down well now and I was a bit nervous about the come down but it wasn't bad this time. I really pushed him to go exercise and I was really strict about making sure he had proper rest and food. During this episode though, he was totally flying high happy. We actually took off on a short road trip during a snow storm. OK this is somethign I would normally do, but NOT my husband. We went to Costco and he bought new hardwood flooring for the house, something he has been thinking of doing for three years now. The whole time in the store it was me saying, "no we don't need that" Ohhh it was exhausting. I said yes to the hardwood floor because I thought that was sensable and I wanted it. When we got home, my oldest daughter who has been wanting a chihuahua got on the internet and said, "daddy look at this one, isn't he cute?" "GET IT!" is what my husband gleefully told her. I was there in the background shaking my head at her. NO NO NO NO I am mouthing to her. I am thinking, don't you dare hit the buy button on that thing! I talked to her later and told her that she could not get this dog right now. She knew she shouldn't but she found it amuzing.
I think sometimes you just have to laugh. My oldest and I did plenty of giggling to each other as therapy for ourselves, but we both knew that underneath that giggle was a fear. A fear that this could soon take a turn for the deppression phase. So far it seems that he is coming down nicely. He has gotten out a couple of times and exercised briefly. I am holding myt breath for the good weather when he can once again be out there jogging regually and feeling back to his old self. I know he can't wait either. I mean I always write how this effects me, but I know he hates it too. It is no piece of cake for him to go through this either.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
My posting is not having a miscarriage
I wrote that my posting was spotting instead of spotty, oh well...You knew what I meant!
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