I think I hate the nice part of the abuse cycle almost worse than the horrible screaming part. I mean the nice that comes DIRECTLY after a complete psychotic asshole mode. It makes me feel crazy, like maybe I just imagined all the drama. Maybe I was in a bad mood and I made it bigger than it was in my head. Then it's, "oh shit, who cares he's quiet and making cinnamon rolls and I don't have time in my busy schedule to look for a divorce lawyer or even to make waves. Let's just ride this out until the next time." But then mom guilt takes over and starts telling me that I need to not let my kids see that happen even one more time. Then fear gets a turn at the Mic and says, "maybe it will be even worse if you try to get a divorce. What if he goes crazy and kills you all? What if he just makes your life a living hell? What if he kills himself? What if he moves from this country and offers no financial support and the kids never get you see their dad?" That last one will stimulate little miss romantic who says, "what marriage is perfect? He loves you deep down and he means well. He really just gets scared and he has inadequate people skills just like your daughter Maxena and would you want a spouse to leave her some day because she didn't have a grasp on her emotions? For goodness sakes, the man is going blind and feels like he is about to lose his job...have some mercy!"
Then I think back to the latest episode, I know I did nothing to bring it on myself. I think back about how I tried so hard to act loving and understanding but that's not what he wanted of me. He wanted control and domination because he felt he had lost control over so many other aspects of his life. He wanted me to summit and to do and say whatever he was requesting at that moment. This time it was for me to quit my job, and quit school and apply for whatever job he picked out for me that would be able to bring enough money to the family without bringing him shame and without bringing me any great deal of self satisfaction or self confidence, because those things elicit fear of me leaving him.
I have so much to do right now. I am insanely busy with going to school full time, working part time and volunteering for occasional doula work and for our things in our community theater group. And still being mom to my four girls...all things that I love to do. I would find doing all these things busy but joyful if I didn't have the stress of his craziness on top of everything. I feel like hibernating right now. I wish I had the time to go into seclusion for a bit...staying in my pj's, reading lots of books that aren't for school, watching lots of Netflix and eating ice cream and pulling myself together just enough to get things done for the kids...but I can't. I have to get good grades! I have so many papers to write. I have so much laundry to do. I owe the theater group one more song...and so much more...uggg, the finances need to be finangled to get everything paid and make sure nobody is overcharging me for anything...switch things up to make sure I am saving as much money as I can.
I know, I've lost you and I'm rambling...
I know I will most likely just keep pushing on through this crap, waiting...
But I (Red Hot Chili peppers, playing in my head) never wanna feel like I did that day...
I never again want to be so mad that I pee myself without even realizing it until afterwards. I never want to have my kids see me crack and lose my cool like I did this weekend. I never want to hear my five year old talk vividly in her sleep, saying, "I HATE YOU. I WANT TO KILL YOU!"
But even though I have always thought of myself as a powerful strong woman, I feel so tired and weak. I feel so scared and so guilty...I feel I will disappoint all who listen to me by staying. I feel like such a looser because I know I will probably end up staying and not getting up the courage to make the next step...
Monday, October 20, 2014
Friday, August 29, 2014
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Sunday, July 21, 2013
I wanna see you be Brave
Brave...the song my soul is singing to myself
I was listening to the song Brave by Sarah Bareilles and I felt like my soul was singing this to myself. I wish I could be braver. I am trying to be brave and to speak up for myself more. I did hold my ground and I went to a weekend training to be certified in my doula work, but even then I wasn't completely honest. I paid money for it but I didn't admit it. I just want to be able to speak my truths and to have them be heard in a way that wasn't judgmental or scary.
I always seem to write when I am in this blurry kind of mood. I write then because it brings me back into the present moment. When I am in this mood, after a verbal attack, I feel like I stare ahead into space and even when people are talking to me, I just can't think and I can't function well. My husband took note of it this last time and he kept asking me if I was sick or what was wrong. I was actually honest with him about the fact that his yelling negatively affected me in such a way that I could not function properly.
I am feeling better today than I did yesterday.
Not last night but the night before, I was crawled into bed with him. I have been cleaning and reorganizing a lot and I actually moved all of my things into his room. We normally do not share a room. So I crawled in bed and I thought he was already asleep but then he started yelling at me. Lecturing me on how fat I have gotten and how that is not acceptable and how I don't do anything for the family and I need to stop being a stay at home mom and go get a job to contribute and how my oldest daughter who is almost 16 now is going to hate me in her 20's when she starts to see things from his perspective and realize that I just didn't care enough about her to stop trying to be a midwife and to just work a job like a cashier or something to make money for her college. It went on and on with me hardly saying anything, then it started storming really hard. I jumped up and grabbed the flashlight and I was going to go outside and make sure the rain gutter was ok because it had came apart a while back and then we had flooding in the basement. He insisted I not go out in the rain and then all of a sudden he was a different person. He was all lovey dovey and "I love you, you are my wife and I love you" bullshit! Then he wanted to cuddle and be ultra sweet to me and have sex. I told him no no no so many times but he kept begging. Then the next morning he acted as if he had never said that he wanted a divorce and all the horrible things and he turned into ultra sweet guy who wants to buy me whatever I want...and talking all about all the wonderful times about the kids as they are growing up and just acting like he is mister wonderful or something.
It is so confusing. I hate it!
I was listening to the song Brave by Sarah Bareilles and I felt like my soul was singing this to myself. I wish I could be braver. I am trying to be brave and to speak up for myself more. I did hold my ground and I went to a weekend training to be certified in my doula work, but even then I wasn't completely honest. I paid money for it but I didn't admit it. I just want to be able to speak my truths and to have them be heard in a way that wasn't judgmental or scary.
I always seem to write when I am in this blurry kind of mood. I write then because it brings me back into the present moment. When I am in this mood, after a verbal attack, I feel like I stare ahead into space and even when people are talking to me, I just can't think and I can't function well. My husband took note of it this last time and he kept asking me if I was sick or what was wrong. I was actually honest with him about the fact that his yelling negatively affected me in such a way that I could not function properly.
I am feeling better today than I did yesterday.
Not last night but the night before, I was crawled into bed with him. I have been cleaning and reorganizing a lot and I actually moved all of my things into his room. We normally do not share a room. So I crawled in bed and I thought he was already asleep but then he started yelling at me. Lecturing me on how fat I have gotten and how that is not acceptable and how I don't do anything for the family and I need to stop being a stay at home mom and go get a job to contribute and how my oldest daughter who is almost 16 now is going to hate me in her 20's when she starts to see things from his perspective and realize that I just didn't care enough about her to stop trying to be a midwife and to just work a job like a cashier or something to make money for her college. It went on and on with me hardly saying anything, then it started storming really hard. I jumped up and grabbed the flashlight and I was going to go outside and make sure the rain gutter was ok because it had came apart a while back and then we had flooding in the basement. He insisted I not go out in the rain and then all of a sudden he was a different person. He was all lovey dovey and "I love you, you are my wife and I love you" bullshit! Then he wanted to cuddle and be ultra sweet to me and have sex. I told him no no no so many times but he kept begging. Then the next morning he acted as if he had never said that he wanted a divorce and all the horrible things and he turned into ultra sweet guy who wants to buy me whatever I want...and talking all about all the wonderful times about the kids as they are growing up and just acting like he is mister wonderful or something.
It is so confusing. I hate it!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Posting to avoid homework
Well I am supposed to be doing my homework, but since I am trying to avoid it, I thought I would do a quick post. Well, the homework thing gives it away, if any of you didn't already know, I am back in school. Yeah I am really super happy about this. I am finally going towards being a midwife. I really wish I was able to be a traditional midwife and still make a living but it just isn't very practical when I have four kids to help take care of.
Well anyway, things were at there ultimate bad with the marriage thing, but then I broke down, insisted that I wanted to go back to school and he knew he didn't have a choice, so here I am. Funny thing is, he is doing much better mentally. I worried about it a lot because I didn't want to leave the kids home alone with him if he was acting mean or nuts, but he is doing good. It seems that he finds more purpose in the home now. He takes care of the little ones during the week late in the evenings when I have to help with the Thurston Players or when one of the girls has rehearsal and then on Sundays he takes care of them all day while I am in Chemistry class. He took them grocery shopping last week and he seemed to derive so much pleasure from feeling successful in this endeavor. He now knows how to read Cella books to get her to sleep and knows how to get Nini and Malane to bed on time without a huge deal. This seems little, but getting those two to bed without a huge melt down is NOT easy! Anyway, things are going well right now. He is taking care of his physical and mental health and although things will never be perfect, they are looking up.
I am however very grounded in the knowledge that this could all come to a crashing holt at any given moment, I am praying for stability everyday though.
Well anyway, things were at there ultimate bad with the marriage thing, but then I broke down, insisted that I wanted to go back to school and he knew he didn't have a choice, so here I am. Funny thing is, he is doing much better mentally. I worried about it a lot because I didn't want to leave the kids home alone with him if he was acting mean or nuts, but he is doing good. It seems that he finds more purpose in the home now. He takes care of the little ones during the week late in the evenings when I have to help with the Thurston Players or when one of the girls has rehearsal and then on Sundays he takes care of them all day while I am in Chemistry class. He took them grocery shopping last week and he seemed to derive so much pleasure from feeling successful in this endeavor. He now knows how to read Cella books to get her to sleep and knows how to get Nini and Malane to bed on time without a huge deal. This seems little, but getting those two to bed without a huge melt down is NOT easy! Anyway, things are going well right now. He is taking care of his physical and mental health and although things will never be perfect, they are looking up.
I am however very grounded in the knowledge that this could all come to a crashing holt at any given moment, I am praying for stability everyday though.
Friday, May 21, 2010
crazy ramblings
I think most bloggers hope that there are others out there reading their every thought and well..tonight I feel like I hope no one is out there reading my thoughts. I have had a rough couple of weeks. The husband has really been on his kick about being concerned with my weight and health again and well this time it has flowed over into what my face looks like. He thinks that I look too old, much older than I actually am. What ever, I know I don't, I know he is probably just thinking this about himself and it is being reflected onto me, but it still hurts a bit. He really got me the other week when he realized that what he thought of me didn't really bother me anymore and so he decided to get my oldest daughter into it. He said that he new obssion with her weight is because she looks at me and feels disgusted and doesn't want to look like that. Now I know I know I should know better than to let him into my head but man does he know my buttons. Anyway so all of this bullshit has been happening and I am trying to just let it roll off from me but sometimes it is hard.
I felt like drinking tonight. I got myself a beer, spilled half of it and drank half and thought about how completely useless it would be to drink too much, not to mention I don't like the feeling of not being in complete control of myself. I mean I have four children to look after, what if something happened where I needed to respond quickly to. But I just had this strong urge to let my hairdown and to sing at the top of my lungs and to forget for just breifly about all the stuff that I usually bog myself down with. I mean i know my life isn't the worst and i feel bad complaining when there are others so much worse than me...
Tonight i was thinking about making love and how I would LOVE to make love, but I have no one that I am desiring. I have no desire to make love with someone else besides my husband but the way things have been with us, I have no desire to make love to him either. It sounds so completely bazar but i had this feeling about it just being energitic and making love with an energy, a feeling like this warm wave washing over me...like engolfing me.
I felt like drinking tonight. I got myself a beer, spilled half of it and drank half and thought about how completely useless it would be to drink too much, not to mention I don't like the feeling of not being in complete control of myself. I mean I have four children to look after, what if something happened where I needed to respond quickly to. But I just had this strong urge to let my hairdown and to sing at the top of my lungs and to forget for just breifly about all the stuff that I usually bog myself down with. I mean i know my life isn't the worst and i feel bad complaining when there are others so much worse than me...
Tonight i was thinking about making love and how I would LOVE to make love, but I have no one that I am desiring. I have no desire to make love with someone else besides my husband but the way things have been with us, I have no desire to make love to him either. It sounds so completely bazar but i had this feeling about it just being energitic and making love with an energy, a feeling like this warm wave washing over me...like engolfing me.
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