Domestic abuse
Monday, October 20, 2014
WAKE UP TO FRUGALITY!: Recycling
WAKE UP TO FRUGALITY!: Recycling: California led the way with conversation campaigning in 1892 with the inception of The Sierra Club in San Francisco, started by conser...
...and then he starts being nice again
I think I hate the nice part of the abuse cycle almost worse than the horrible screaming part. I mean the nice that comes DIRECTLY after a complete psychotic asshole mode. It makes me feel crazy, like maybe I just imagined all the drama. Maybe I was in a bad mood and I made it bigger than it was in my head. Then it's, "oh shit, who cares he's quiet and making cinnamon rolls and I don't have time in my busy schedule to look for a divorce lawyer or even to make waves. Let's just ride this out until the next time." But then mom guilt takes over and starts telling me that I need to not let my kids see that happen even one more time. Then fear gets a turn at the Mic and says, "maybe it will be even worse if you try to get a divorce. What if he goes crazy and kills you all? What if he just makes your life a living hell? What if he kills himself? What if he moves from this country and offers no financial support and the kids never get you see their dad?" That last one will stimulate little miss romantic who says, "what marriage is perfect? He loves you deep down and he means well. He really just gets scared and he has inadequate people skills just like your daughter Maxena and would you want a spouse to leave her some day because she didn't have a grasp on her emotions? For goodness sakes, the man is going blind and feels like he is about to lose his job...have some mercy!"
Then I think back to the latest episode, I know I did nothing to bring it on myself. I think back about how I tried so hard to act loving and understanding but that's not what he wanted of me. He wanted control and domination because he felt he had lost control over so many other aspects of his life. He wanted me to summit and to do and say whatever he was requesting at that moment. This time it was for me to quit my job, and quit school and apply for whatever job he picked out for me that would be able to bring enough money to the family without bringing him shame and without bringing me any great deal of self satisfaction or self confidence, because those things elicit fear of me leaving him.
I have so much to do right now. I am insanely busy with going to school full time, working part time and volunteering for occasional doula work and for our things in our community theater group. And still being mom to my four girls...all things that I love to do. I would find doing all these things busy but joyful if I didn't have the stress of his craziness on top of everything. I feel like hibernating right now. I wish I had the time to go into seclusion for a bit...staying in my pj's, reading lots of books that aren't for school, watching lots of Netflix and eating ice cream and pulling myself together just enough to get things done for the kids...but I can't. I have to get good grades! I have so many papers to write. I have so much laundry to do. I owe the theater group one more song...and so much more...uggg, the finances need to be finangled to get everything paid and make sure nobody is overcharging me for anything...switch things up to make sure I am saving as much money as I can.
I know, I've lost you and I'm rambling...
I know I will most likely just keep pushing on through this crap, waiting...
But I (Red Hot Chili peppers, playing in my head) never wanna feel like I did that day...
I never again want to be so mad that I pee myself without even realizing it until afterwards. I never want to have my kids see me crack and lose my cool like I did this weekend. I never want to hear my five year old talk vividly in her sleep, saying, "I HATE YOU. I WANT TO KILL YOU!"
But even though I have always thought of myself as a powerful strong woman, I feel so tired and weak. I feel so scared and so guilty...I feel I will disappoint all who listen to me by staying. I feel like such a looser because I know I will probably end up staying and not getting up the courage to make the next step...
Then I think back to the latest episode, I know I did nothing to bring it on myself. I think back about how I tried so hard to act loving and understanding but that's not what he wanted of me. He wanted control and domination because he felt he had lost control over so many other aspects of his life. He wanted me to summit and to do and say whatever he was requesting at that moment. This time it was for me to quit my job, and quit school and apply for whatever job he picked out for me that would be able to bring enough money to the family without bringing him shame and without bringing me any great deal of self satisfaction or self confidence, because those things elicit fear of me leaving him.
I have so much to do right now. I am insanely busy with going to school full time, working part time and volunteering for occasional doula work and for our things in our community theater group. And still being mom to my four girls...all things that I love to do. I would find doing all these things busy but joyful if I didn't have the stress of his craziness on top of everything. I feel like hibernating right now. I wish I had the time to go into seclusion for a bit...staying in my pj's, reading lots of books that aren't for school, watching lots of Netflix and eating ice cream and pulling myself together just enough to get things done for the kids...but I can't. I have to get good grades! I have so many papers to write. I have so much laundry to do. I owe the theater group one more song...and so much more...uggg, the finances need to be finangled to get everything paid and make sure nobody is overcharging me for anything...switch things up to make sure I am saving as much money as I can.
I know, I've lost you and I'm rambling...
I know I will most likely just keep pushing on through this crap, waiting...
But I (Red Hot Chili peppers, playing in my head) never wanna feel like I did that day...
I never again want to be so mad that I pee myself without even realizing it until afterwards. I never want to have my kids see me crack and lose my cool like I did this weekend. I never want to hear my five year old talk vividly in her sleep, saying, "I HATE YOU. I WANT TO KILL YOU!"
But even though I have always thought of myself as a powerful strong woman, I feel so tired and weak. I feel so scared and so guilty...I feel I will disappoint all who listen to me by staying. I feel like such a looser because I know I will probably end up staying and not getting up the courage to make the next step...
Friday, August 29, 2014
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Sunday, July 21, 2013
I wanna see you be Brave
Brave...the song my soul is singing to myself
I was listening to the song Brave by Sarah Bareilles and I felt like my soul was singing this to myself. I wish I could be braver. I am trying to be brave and to speak up for myself more. I did hold my ground and I went to a weekend training to be certified in my doula work, but even then I wasn't completely honest. I paid money for it but I didn't admit it. I just want to be able to speak my truths and to have them be heard in a way that wasn't judgmental or scary.
I always seem to write when I am in this blurry kind of mood. I write then because it brings me back into the present moment. When I am in this mood, after a verbal attack, I feel like I stare ahead into space and even when people are talking to me, I just can't think and I can't function well. My husband took note of it this last time and he kept asking me if I was sick or what was wrong. I was actually honest with him about the fact that his yelling negatively affected me in such a way that I could not function properly.
I am feeling better today than I did yesterday.
Not last night but the night before, I was crawled into bed with him. I have been cleaning and reorganizing a lot and I actually moved all of my things into his room. We normally do not share a room. So I crawled in bed and I thought he was already asleep but then he started yelling at me. Lecturing me on how fat I have gotten and how that is not acceptable and how I don't do anything for the family and I need to stop being a stay at home mom and go get a job to contribute and how my oldest daughter who is almost 16 now is going to hate me in her 20's when she starts to see things from his perspective and realize that I just didn't care enough about her to stop trying to be a midwife and to just work a job like a cashier or something to make money for her college. It went on and on with me hardly saying anything, then it started storming really hard. I jumped up and grabbed the flashlight and I was going to go outside and make sure the rain gutter was ok because it had came apart a while back and then we had flooding in the basement. He insisted I not go out in the rain and then all of a sudden he was a different person. He was all lovey dovey and "I love you, you are my wife and I love you" bullshit! Then he wanted to cuddle and be ultra sweet to me and have sex. I told him no no no so many times but he kept begging. Then the next morning he acted as if he had never said that he wanted a divorce and all the horrible things and he turned into ultra sweet guy who wants to buy me whatever I want...and talking all about all the wonderful times about the kids as they are growing up and just acting like he is mister wonderful or something.
It is so confusing. I hate it!
I was listening to the song Brave by Sarah Bareilles and I felt like my soul was singing this to myself. I wish I could be braver. I am trying to be brave and to speak up for myself more. I did hold my ground and I went to a weekend training to be certified in my doula work, but even then I wasn't completely honest. I paid money for it but I didn't admit it. I just want to be able to speak my truths and to have them be heard in a way that wasn't judgmental or scary.
I always seem to write when I am in this blurry kind of mood. I write then because it brings me back into the present moment. When I am in this mood, after a verbal attack, I feel like I stare ahead into space and even when people are talking to me, I just can't think and I can't function well. My husband took note of it this last time and he kept asking me if I was sick or what was wrong. I was actually honest with him about the fact that his yelling negatively affected me in such a way that I could not function properly.
I am feeling better today than I did yesterday.
Not last night but the night before, I was crawled into bed with him. I have been cleaning and reorganizing a lot and I actually moved all of my things into his room. We normally do not share a room. So I crawled in bed and I thought he was already asleep but then he started yelling at me. Lecturing me on how fat I have gotten and how that is not acceptable and how I don't do anything for the family and I need to stop being a stay at home mom and go get a job to contribute and how my oldest daughter who is almost 16 now is going to hate me in her 20's when she starts to see things from his perspective and realize that I just didn't care enough about her to stop trying to be a midwife and to just work a job like a cashier or something to make money for her college. It went on and on with me hardly saying anything, then it started storming really hard. I jumped up and grabbed the flashlight and I was going to go outside and make sure the rain gutter was ok because it had came apart a while back and then we had flooding in the basement. He insisted I not go out in the rain and then all of a sudden he was a different person. He was all lovey dovey and "I love you, you are my wife and I love you" bullshit! Then he wanted to cuddle and be ultra sweet to me and have sex. I told him no no no so many times but he kept begging. Then the next morning he acted as if he had never said that he wanted a divorce and all the horrible things and he turned into ultra sweet guy who wants to buy me whatever I want...and talking all about all the wonderful times about the kids as they are growing up and just acting like he is mister wonderful or something.
It is so confusing. I hate it!
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