Options

I am reading a number of good books right now and I am trying to get my head straight basically. It totally doesn't feel straight, but I am trying. Friends have asked me if things have gotten any better. Welll, they have gotten less extreme and sometimes feel better. But things definately still need fixed. Another doctors appointment has been made, for this Thursday...we will see if he actually attends it. I can't really tell which way it is going to go. I am trying to be positive but realistic. I feel a little nuts to be quite honest today. I have been having strange dreams that seem to be trying to tell me something, but I can't put my finger on it. I had a dream last night about the #21 and then later in the night I heard a voice say, 521, I laid there have awake half asleep and then I heard it a couple more times and so I sat up, looked at the clock and it said, 5:23. Had I looked the first time, there is no doubt in my mind that it would have said 5:21. I have no idea what this means however and I can't put my finger on it. It has left me feeling a bit foggy all day today.

I had a great outing with a friend of mine with whom I have been honest about my current situation with. It was really nice to see her again. I always feel so exposed though after letting someone know the reality of the situation. It is nice to have support but others never totally get what you are going through and can be so full of judgments that it just leaves you feeling naked.

I have been evaluating all of my options though. I have looked into jobs and the possbility of leaving to make a new life and I have also looked into the fact that maybe I haven't done all that can be done in the current situation. I don't live in a fantasy that leaving is going to solve all of my problems. Leaving would relieve some problems and bring some of it's own. I have seen how this has worked for others. Children living in separate homes with parents and having to deal with parents new relationships can be just has hard as children dealing with a poor relationship with mom and dad. I am trying to weigh my options and make the most informed decision. I want to make sure that all possible things have been done to fix the current situation (anything that I can do) before just moving onto the next set of problems.

This is what I am currently dealing with. I am doing fairly well with it though. Nothing is extreme in the home...something are blah and somethings are kinda good. I am trying to be positive and to dolve deeper into spirituality to find the real me and determine my real purpose. One thing I KNOW is that SOMETHING has got to change. I have to stop being so lazy in my mind; stop trying to avoid the issues and face them head on and deal with them. That is what I am trying my best to do. My natural desire is to just ignore things...but I am doing my best to try to not do that and to expose everything to myself and to evaluate and act.