I think most bloggers hope that there are others out there reading their every thought and well..tonight I feel like I hope no one is out there reading my thoughts. I have had a rough couple of weeks. The husband has really been on his kick about being concerned with my weight and health again and well this time it has flowed over into what my face looks like. He thinks that I look too old, much older than I actually am. What ever, I know I don't, I know he is probably just thinking this about himself and it is being reflected onto me, but it still hurts a bit. He really got me the other week when he realized that what he thought of me didn't really bother me anymore and so he decided to get my oldest daughter into it. He said that he new obssion with her weight is because she looks at me and feels disgusted and doesn't want to look like that. Now I know I know I should know better than to let him into my head but man does he know my buttons. Anyway so all of this bullshit has been happening and I am trying to just let it roll off from me but sometimes it is hard.
I felt like drinking tonight. I got myself a beer, spilled half of it and drank half and thought about how completely useless it would be to drink too much, not to mention I don't like the feeling of not being in complete control of myself. I mean I have four children to look after, what if something happened where I needed to respond quickly to. But I just had this strong urge to let my hairdown and to sing at the top of my lungs and to forget for just breifly about all the stuff that I usually bog myself down with. I mean i know my life isn't the worst and i feel bad complaining when there are others so much worse than me...
Tonight i was thinking about making love and how I would LOVE to make love, but I have no one that I am desiring. I have no desire to make love with someone else besides my husband but the way things have been with us, I have no desire to make love to him either. It sounds so completely bazar but i had this feeling about it just being energitic and making love with an energy, a feeling like this warm wave washing over me...like engolfing me.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Thursday, March 5, 2009
March- a birth day and lots of doctors appointments
I just need to make a quick note that my husband has attended his first doctors appointment. He has been having a lot of pains in his eyes and so this is what stimulated it. He is on his way home right now because he isn't feeling well enough to be at work. Next week he has an MRI of his brain and total work up where he is going to talk to the doctor about all of his medical issues including his mood swings. I am so happy to think that he is finally going to get some help. I just thought I would let everyone know about the wonderful update.
Julia
Julia
Thursday, February 26, 2009
This winter is getting to him
We have had such a wonderful time together enjoying my husband in his natural state of mine. The exercise is indeed like a drug. I have read up on bipolar disorders which I believe my husband has and I have read that exercise and diet can be just as effective as medication without the side effects in mild cases. This seems to be the case with my husband. However the last month and a half has been really hard on him and us. The weather has not been optimal for exercising. We had some days where school was cancelled just because it was too cold to go outside. At first it didn't seem to effect him much. But slowly slowly the old symptoms started creeping in. It is obvious to me that he is pretending to be OK more than being OK. I can totally tell when he is suppressing things instead of things really not getting to him. It makes me feel on edge. I expressed this to him the other day and he acknowledged it.
What we have been dealing with the last week or so had been a manic episode. He is really coming down well now and I was a bit nervous about the come down but it wasn't bad this time. I really pushed him to go exercise and I was really strict about making sure he had proper rest and food. During this episode though, he was totally flying high happy. We actually took off on a short road trip during a snow storm. OK this is somethign I would normally do, but NOT my husband. We went to Costco and he bought new hardwood flooring for the house, something he has been thinking of doing for three years now. The whole time in the store it was me saying, "no we don't need that" Ohhh it was exhausting. I said yes to the hardwood floor because I thought that was sensable and I wanted it. When we got home, my oldest daughter who has been wanting a chihuahua got on the internet and said, "daddy look at this one, isn't he cute?" "GET IT!" is what my husband gleefully told her. I was there in the background shaking my head at her. NO NO NO NO I am mouthing to her. I am thinking, don't you dare hit the buy button on that thing! I talked to her later and told her that she could not get this dog right now. She knew she shouldn't but she found it amuzing.
I think sometimes you just have to laugh. My oldest and I did plenty of giggling to each other as therapy for ourselves, but we both knew that underneath that giggle was a fear. A fear that this could soon take a turn for the deppression phase. So far it seems that he is coming down nicely. He has gotten out a couple of times and exercised briefly. I am holding myt breath for the good weather when he can once again be out there jogging regually and feeling back to his old self. I know he can't wait either. I mean I always write how this effects me, but I know he hates it too. It is no piece of cake for him to go through this either.
What we have been dealing with the last week or so had been a manic episode. He is really coming down well now and I was a bit nervous about the come down but it wasn't bad this time. I really pushed him to go exercise and I was really strict about making sure he had proper rest and food. During this episode though, he was totally flying high happy. We actually took off on a short road trip during a snow storm. OK this is somethign I would normally do, but NOT my husband. We went to Costco and he bought new hardwood flooring for the house, something he has been thinking of doing for three years now. The whole time in the store it was me saying, "no we don't need that" Ohhh it was exhausting. I said yes to the hardwood floor because I thought that was sensable and I wanted it. When we got home, my oldest daughter who has been wanting a chihuahua got on the internet and said, "daddy look at this one, isn't he cute?" "GET IT!" is what my husband gleefully told her. I was there in the background shaking my head at her. NO NO NO NO I am mouthing to her. I am thinking, don't you dare hit the buy button on that thing! I talked to her later and told her that she could not get this dog right now. She knew she shouldn't but she found it amuzing.
I think sometimes you just have to laugh. My oldest and I did plenty of giggling to each other as therapy for ourselves, but we both knew that underneath that giggle was a fear. A fear that this could soon take a turn for the deppression phase. So far it seems that he is coming down nicely. He has gotten out a couple of times and exercised briefly. I am holding myt breath for the good weather when he can once again be out there jogging regually and feeling back to his old self. I know he can't wait either. I mean I always write how this effects me, but I know he hates it too. It is no piece of cake for him to go through this either.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
My posting is not having a miscarriage
I wrote that my posting was spotting instead of spotty, oh well...You knew what I meant!
Love and energies
Hello to the few of those who have put up with my spotting posting. I mainly posted this blog to use it as a way to get out my feelings and potentially even receive some good insight from readers.
Things have been pretty good here. My husband has been using some natural methods of reducing stress and has acknowledged that there are issues that he is working through. We are now able to openly talk about it. Being able to be open about it is such a good thing. Then even when things are not perfect, you can respect the fact that the individual is trying as well. I have read some really good material for myself, one being a book by Dr. Wayne Dyer (LOVE HIM) about aligning your habits with your desires and one I am on right now which is the classic updated, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. I am listening to that one being read on CD. That way I can do that when I am in the car and save my reading time for reading my birth books and child education books. One things I really like that Steven Covey says in his book is that "love the feeling is a product of love the verb". I think it is a great way to put it as I have felt like this for many many years but have not known how to put it like this. Dr. Dyer talks a lot of energies and when you are giving off energies that expect the worst in someone, that is what you are going to get. I have been expecting my husband to be understanding and I have been loving him in the verb sense and therefore feeling more love for him and receiving more love from him as he is feeling my caring instead of judging. I feel so good about the situation and about the lessons I am teaching my children. It is so nice to see the children genuinely happier now and feeling more like a family. We are not a perfect family, but we are a family that is working together and addressing the issues that need to be addressed.
Sometimes when my husband is starting to get uneasy and needing to destress, I feel myself going back to old patterns of fear and letting fear and anger dominate my behavior. I am at least conscious of this though and have been able to get back on focus. I wrote this little vow the other day when I felt myself going there and I hung it on the refrigerator for all to see and to be a constant reminder to myself.
I vow today to make my decisions based on what I feel is the right thing to do, taking into consideration others thoughts and feelings.
I vow today to stop making decisions based on fear. Whether that be fear of failure, embarrassment or the fear of an others angry response.
I vow to be true to myself and my own values!
This has been a time of change for me and a time for devoting a lot of time that needed to be devoted to time for myself. I feel I have neglected some of my friends though and I want to get back into the mode that makes me feel good about myself. That is the mode of being there for people who need me to be there for them. I hope those who have been pushed to the side for awhile realize that I had to take time to heal myself and family before I have anything to give. I feel so blessed to have a loving network of friends and family.
Things have been pretty good here. My husband has been using some natural methods of reducing stress and has acknowledged that there are issues that he is working through. We are now able to openly talk about it. Being able to be open about it is such a good thing. Then even when things are not perfect, you can respect the fact that the individual is trying as well. I have read some really good material for myself, one being a book by Dr. Wayne Dyer (LOVE HIM) about aligning your habits with your desires and one I am on right now which is the classic updated, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. I am listening to that one being read on CD. That way I can do that when I am in the car and save my reading time for reading my birth books and child education books. One things I really like that Steven Covey says in his book is that "love the feeling is a product of love the verb". I think it is a great way to put it as I have felt like this for many many years but have not known how to put it like this. Dr. Dyer talks a lot of energies and when you are giving off energies that expect the worst in someone, that is what you are going to get. I have been expecting my husband to be understanding and I have been loving him in the verb sense and therefore feeling more love for him and receiving more love from him as he is feeling my caring instead of judging. I feel so good about the situation and about the lessons I am teaching my children. It is so nice to see the children genuinely happier now and feeling more like a family. We are not a perfect family, but we are a family that is working together and addressing the issues that need to be addressed.
Sometimes when my husband is starting to get uneasy and needing to destress, I feel myself going back to old patterns of fear and letting fear and anger dominate my behavior. I am at least conscious of this though and have been able to get back on focus. I wrote this little vow the other day when I felt myself going there and I hung it on the refrigerator for all to see and to be a constant reminder to myself.
I vow today to make my decisions based on what I feel is the right thing to do, taking into consideration others thoughts and feelings.
I vow today to stop making decisions based on fear. Whether that be fear of failure, embarrassment or the fear of an others angry response.
I vow to be true to myself and my own values!
This has been a time of change for me and a time for devoting a lot of time that needed to be devoted to time for myself. I feel I have neglected some of my friends though and I want to get back into the mode that makes me feel good about myself. That is the mode of being there for people who need me to be there for them. I hope those who have been pushed to the side for awhile realize that I had to take time to heal myself and family before I have anything to give. I feel so blessed to have a loving network of friends and family.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Ultra Marathon Man
Wow I can't believe how fast this summer is whizzing right by. Everyday is playing with my kids and hanging out. I love hanging out with my kids. Unfortunately everything else seems to get pushed to the side as I am enjoying being with them, this blog being one of them. Many times I have things in my head that I want to write and then by the time the kids are not around and I have a little privacy, I am too tired. But I have been meaning to write on this Ultra Marathon Man topic and so I am going to give it a go.
Who knew that this was going to end up a good thing. When my husband stumbled upon this information about a man who is a running FREAK, I was so worried. At first he couldn't get enough of researching what this man does. He claims that he eats while he runs, orders pizza , pays for it as the delivery car is slowly following him and rolls it up like a burrito and then eats his pizza log as he runs. So my husband has dropped the, "I starve myself to death" thing that he was doing before. You know the research that severe caloric reduction is supposed to make you live longer, and now he has jumped on board with Mr. Marathon Man. So he is not ordering pizza on the go, but he is eating powerbars now once a day and eating a huge breakfast and a huge dinner. His running has intensified as well. He has tripled the amount of running he is doing.
The good news is that all of this running and now having adequate nutrition to support the running has really given him like a natural stress relieve. At first I thought he was doing his normal anger suppression and I was waiting for the vol canoe to erupt, but then I kept watching. I know him so well. I can look at his face and tell you if he is suppressing anger or if something just really isn't getting to him. But the great thing is that I am watching him and I am watching all the "triggers" go off and I am seeing him just handling it. This running plus added food had given him the same effect as like taking and antidepressant. I had read about all these natural things you can do, I tried telling him. I tried putting more omegas in his diet and all of this crap, but it wasn't until he saw that marathon man that he felt inspired to push himself.
This has allowed some better communication as well. I mean you can't really talk to a person who looks like they are about ready to fly off the handle at whatever you are going to say. I have made some changes in myself as well. I have been reading a few really good books and one of them is by Dr. Wayne Dyer and one thing he talks about is "being the peace that you desire". He talks about how if you are living in fear and expecting stress, you are going to get stress, but if you never let someone take away your inner peace that it will also come back to you. I had this AMAZING dream about a panther like creature chasing me and in my dream, even though I was really terrified of the beast, I turned around and grabbed it by the jowls and roared in it's face and screamed, "I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU. DO YOU HEAR ME? I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU!" The whole time I was actually terrified but I wouldn't let it rule me with fear anymore. The really strange thing is that when I held onto the jowls of this beast it felt just like my dog Louis's mouth area. I later realized that the panther like beast was a combination of my husband (black hair) and my dog Louis. The dog and my husbands interactions were the things that were causing me a great amount of fear and stress. I told my husband about this dream and he totally got it.
I am not disillusional, I know that things will still be up and down. I do however have some hope for the future. It has been so nice to enjoy my husband without the cloud of illness. I have enjoyed actually being around him. We had a great day on Sunday taking our middle child out by herself to the store with us while the others stayed home with a sitter. I can't explain to you how lovely the simple things can be. Just being around him when he is acting like his true self. The person who I fell in love with and the person I am still in love with. I laid beside him cuddled in bed and just enjoyed being next to him and the smell of him. I so totally love my husband, but I so HATE his illness. I am hoping that this exercise/eating regiment will be maintained and that the effects will continue.
Who knew that this was going to end up a good thing. When my husband stumbled upon this information about a man who is a running FREAK, I was so worried. At first he couldn't get enough of researching what this man does. He claims that he eats while he runs, orders pizza , pays for it as the delivery car is slowly following him and rolls it up like a burrito and then eats his pizza log as he runs. So my husband has dropped the, "I starve myself to death" thing that he was doing before. You know the research that severe caloric reduction is supposed to make you live longer, and now he has jumped on board with Mr. Marathon Man. So he is not ordering pizza on the go, but he is eating powerbars now once a day and eating a huge breakfast and a huge dinner. His running has intensified as well. He has tripled the amount of running he is doing.
The good news is that all of this running and now having adequate nutrition to support the running has really given him like a natural stress relieve. At first I thought he was doing his normal anger suppression and I was waiting for the vol canoe to erupt, but then I kept watching. I know him so well. I can look at his face and tell you if he is suppressing anger or if something just really isn't getting to him. But the great thing is that I am watching him and I am watching all the "triggers" go off and I am seeing him just handling it. This running plus added food had given him the same effect as like taking and antidepressant. I had read about all these natural things you can do, I tried telling him. I tried putting more omegas in his diet and all of this crap, but it wasn't until he saw that marathon man that he felt inspired to push himself.
This has allowed some better communication as well. I mean you can't really talk to a person who looks like they are about ready to fly off the handle at whatever you are going to say. I have made some changes in myself as well. I have been reading a few really good books and one of them is by Dr. Wayne Dyer and one thing he talks about is "being the peace that you desire". He talks about how if you are living in fear and expecting stress, you are going to get stress, but if you never let someone take away your inner peace that it will also come back to you. I had this AMAZING dream about a panther like creature chasing me and in my dream, even though I was really terrified of the beast, I turned around and grabbed it by the jowls and roared in it's face and screamed, "I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU. DO YOU HEAR ME? I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU!" The whole time I was actually terrified but I wouldn't let it rule me with fear anymore. The really strange thing is that when I held onto the jowls of this beast it felt just like my dog Louis's mouth area. I later realized that the panther like beast was a combination of my husband (black hair) and my dog Louis. The dog and my husbands interactions were the things that were causing me a great amount of fear and stress. I told my husband about this dream and he totally got it.
I am not disillusional, I know that things will still be up and down. I do however have some hope for the future. It has been so nice to enjoy my husband without the cloud of illness. I have enjoyed actually being around him. We had a great day on Sunday taking our middle child out by herself to the store with us while the others stayed home with a sitter. I can't explain to you how lovely the simple things can be. Just being around him when he is acting like his true self. The person who I fell in love with and the person I am still in love with. I laid beside him cuddled in bed and just enjoyed being next to him and the smell of him. I so totally love my husband, but I so HATE his illness. I am hoping that this exercise/eating regiment will be maintained and that the effects will continue.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Options
I am reading a number of good books right now and I am trying to get my head straight basically. It totally doesn't feel straight, but I am trying. Friends have asked me if things have gotten any better. Welll, they have gotten less extreme and sometimes feel better. But things definately still need fixed. Another doctors appointment has been made, for this Thursday...we will see if he actually attends it. I can't really tell which way it is going to go. I am trying to be positive but realistic. I feel a little nuts to be quite honest today. I have been having strange dreams that seem to be trying to tell me something, but I can't put my finger on it. I had a dream last night about the #21 and then later in the night I heard a voice say, 521, I laid there have awake half asleep and then I heard it a couple more times and so I sat up, looked at the clock and it said, 5:23. Had I looked the first time, there is no doubt in my mind that it would have said 5:21. I have no idea what this means however and I can't put my finger on it. It has left me feeling a bit foggy all day today.
I had a great outing with a friend of mine with whom I have been honest about my current situation with. It was really nice to see her again. I always feel so exposed though after letting someone know the reality of the situation. It is nice to have support but others never totally get what you are going through and can be so full of judgments that it just leaves you feeling naked.
I have been evaluating all of my options though. I have looked into jobs and the possbility of leaving to make a new life and I have also looked into the fact that maybe I haven't done all that can be done in the current situation. I don't live in a fantasy that leaving is going to solve all of my problems. Leaving would relieve some problems and bring some of it's own. I have seen how this has worked for others. Children living in separate homes with parents and having to deal with parents new relationships can be just has hard as children dealing with a poor relationship with mom and dad. I am trying to weigh my options and make the most informed decision. I want to make sure that all possible things have been done to fix the current situation (anything that I can do) before just moving onto the next set of problems.
This is what I am currently dealing with. I am doing fairly well with it though. Nothing is extreme in the home...something are blah and somethings are kinda good. I am trying to be positive and to dolve deeper into spirituality to find the real me and determine my real purpose. One thing I KNOW is that SOMETHING has got to change. I have to stop being so lazy in my mind; stop trying to avoid the issues and face them head on and deal with them. That is what I am trying my best to do. My natural desire is to just ignore things...but I am doing my best to try to not do that and to expose everything to myself and to evaluate and act.
I had a great outing with a friend of mine with whom I have been honest about my current situation with. It was really nice to see her again. I always feel so exposed though after letting someone know the reality of the situation. It is nice to have support but others never totally get what you are going through and can be so full of judgments that it just leaves you feeling naked.
I have been evaluating all of my options though. I have looked into jobs and the possbility of leaving to make a new life and I have also looked into the fact that maybe I haven't done all that can be done in the current situation. I don't live in a fantasy that leaving is going to solve all of my problems. Leaving would relieve some problems and bring some of it's own. I have seen how this has worked for others. Children living in separate homes with parents and having to deal with parents new relationships can be just has hard as children dealing with a poor relationship with mom and dad. I am trying to weigh my options and make the most informed decision. I want to make sure that all possible things have been done to fix the current situation (anything that I can do) before just moving onto the next set of problems.
This is what I am currently dealing with. I am doing fairly well with it though. Nothing is extreme in the home...something are blah and somethings are kinda good. I am trying to be positive and to dolve deeper into spirituality to find the real me and determine my real purpose. One thing I KNOW is that SOMETHING has got to change. I have to stop being so lazy in my mind; stop trying to avoid the issues and face them head on and deal with them. That is what I am trying my best to do. My natural desire is to just ignore things...but I am doing my best to try to not do that and to expose everything to myself and to evaluate and act.
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