Bring Back that Lovin Feeling

Anyone who has been in or still is in an abusive relationship can understand this feeling. Things were good, so good that I actually started to fall in love with him again. I was happy to see him come home. The horrible hurtful things he said in the past were fading due to the great and abundant love he was showing me. I adored his touch and started bragging about what a good husband he was again. Making love to him was actually making love to him and not imagining that I was in a different circumstance in order to make it pleasurable. When he came home, I felt genuinely happy to see him and so did the kids because his arrival made me happy. He started asking to go on walks with and I enjoyed putting the kids to bed early just so I could spend time talking to him. My internal dialogue was different. It wasn't, "shut the fuck up you stupid asshole!" It was more, "oh sure I see what you are saying!" It was just so nice to feel in love with him again.

Then it happened, another explosion, another burst of anger and hurtful words. Words like, "I'm embarrassed to be seen with you because you are so obese", and "I made the wrong decision and I married the wrong woman!" I am crushed and hurt and worse yet every time it happens it makes getting back to the good feelings harder every time. When I am feeling like he is a complete asshole his words don't pack so much punch. I just look at him and think things to myself and ignore it. But when I have aloud myself to feel soft again to feel close to him and loved by him, than those words are far more painful than any of my child births, more painful than anything physical I have ever went through. And I have went through a lot. I have been hit by a car, I have had neurosurgery, I have given birth three times naturally. None of these can compare to the hurt and agony I feel when he says these things to me.

Then the talk with him came last night. The I'm sorry I will never yell again as long as you promise to never do the horrible sinful thing you did (drank a coke while pregnant). But of course there was the blaming thing. It is my fault that he looses him temper like that because I am so infuriating, and no one else has ever made him loose his temper like that before, such a classic abuser line. I promised to NEVER drink a coke ever again as long as HE lives. Although I did add that I was going to drink one on the day of his funeral and throw the empty can in the coffin. This made my daughter giggle! He wants to play nice like the fight never happened, kind of. He wants to go through the motions at least. He wants me to want to go for a walk with him to want to come and talk to him at night. But I DON"T WANT TO. I want to stay away from him and the potential of hurtful words.

Every time these fights happen it makes it harder and harder to bring back that loving feeling. I want it, but I'm afraid of it. I don't trust him, it hurts to much to trust him. Yet I know I will. I will do it to keep the family together because deep down I so desperately desire to have those wonderful times when I feel like a loving happy family.